13 November 2012

Venting again....

WARNING… I am writing this while very angry!

Well once again I am awake after only 2 hours of sleep.

If I lay there and just try to go back to sleep, the more my arm annoys me the angrier I become. Well, I either get angry thinking of things someone has said or I lay there thinking of ways I could make it stop.

There is no finding comfort, ppl keep telling their opinion on what will work. Lets see… relax in the recliner… ummm DUMB ASS what side is the lever on a recliner? If Clint puts it up I get all comfy for an hour, I have to hope he’s around yet if I need to get up to pee! Laying on my back really makes this Peck Minor thing flare, bulge or throb.. Lay on my left side, I can  not move the blankets with my right, lay on the right side… ahh  that’s not gonna happen!

I’ve thought of taking the gun and shooting it  right in the deltoid! Considering my Left Arms lack of coordination I’d probably miss me entirely and break something else around here. Oh, a filet knife and just cut it out. Or the train goes by every 10 minutes.. That would fix it all. Good thing I know that if there is a death involving a train the ‘driver’ of the train looses his job. No matter the fact that it wasn’t his fault so I won’t do that. Doesn't stop me from thinking of how much easier that would make things.

Every one asks why I haven’t just found things I can do to occupy my brain. Like what? Seriously! I want to know. If I think about the kitties, I can go play with a string or roll a ball, or my other critters. Oh wait now I am even more pissed off now. Since I’ve had to get rid of them!

Venting helps, but I no longer go to Physical Therapy so I can’t even talk to her about what hurts, what movements might help or ice, vs. heat, all the blah blah blah shit. There is no one I can or WOULD text at 1 am, 3 am or  5 am when my mind needs it.

I find my self becoming very negative over the lack of positives! My doc wanted me to write down a list of things I can do, ‘Can do without any pain or breaking things?’ That’s a very short list, I can watch TV, I can read articles online or ppls blogs or I can Skype with my grandson. (oooh lets use more of that 5 gb of monthly internet ) I could do the invoices for work, there goes more internet...Ooops now I am over and that costs me another $100 I don’t have!

Money.. Wow there’s a topic.
I was asked why I am so far behind with everything I don’t have that drive to work any more, no need to buy a lunch or being so close and tempted to shop at Archivers! .. Hum lets see.
Since I got hurt, I’ve had to pay ppl to help me with simple things… laundry.. I do not use our dryer can’t afford to that damn thing is gas. I certainly do not have the $700 to get that filled. I live in the country City gas isn’t an option.
So I hang it out, which I have always preferred, but now I can’t do that, I need help.
Well if Josh isn’t here or Diane I  try it on my own. I toss all the clothes on the line then I can put my right hand up on the line, and just slide it down the line clipping pins as I go, after 5 items my arm feels like I’ve bee  beaten. SO I have to take it to the laundry mat to dry it. (or pay someone to come over) Folding.. Holy shit I never realized what a work out that was. I can not reach in front of me, can not lift my arm far,  it’s pretty damned painful. So if no one was here that can help I just shove it in the drawer.

I had been paying someone to come in once a week to help me with housework. That was not something I could afford, so now the house looks like something you’d see in a movie in the ghetto or slums! Which depresses the hell out of me. I ma not a White Glove Test Neat Freak, but my house never looked like this! OMG it is awful!

I can not load or unload the dish washer without help, so it doesn’t get done when I WANT it to.
My QRC says to do more around the house… wish he was going to pay to replace the dishes I have broke just trying to do the simple shit. That and pay for the tissues, because after just so much of this pain I finally just lose it! There are times it hurts so much I want to scream, or here comes that train thought again! I have never cried so much or so easily in all my life! Sure I can tear up at sad news, but for me to break down and really cry, haven’t done that since Mike and my dad died.

There is no more hugging Clint, snuggling to watch TV…. Nothing! He puts his arm around me and it feels like my  arm is getting ripped off. Lays next to me in bed and it feels like I’ve been punched!
Go relax in the tub…. Ahh sure, try getting out of the tub, without using that arm or wait how about drying off one handed! Let’s not mention the necessary shower…. I have had to go spend $5 a week just to get my hair washed so it feels clean and get it combed. I can’t just raise my arm up to do it, hell I can’t even reach my left arm pit to scrub. Oh lets talk about shaving… HUH I am right handed… ever try to get a retarded left hand to use a blade on skin? My legs think I am suicidal.. Oh wait I have thought of that too!
So now I buy a hair removal product… there goes more money I don’t have.

Oh speaking of money, I used to plan all trips to town in a more frugal manner.. All appointments and errands  for 1 day. Kind of hard now...
Work Comp weekly checks, were coming on Fridays, then on Saturday, mail comes at 11:30ish 17 mile drive town (there goes more gas on a trip to town that is out of the normal routine) oh DAMN the bank closes at noon on Saturday. Well that’s okay Wal mart can cash it for a $3 FEE.

Ooops, there system declines it, odd since it went okay before, This is why I found a US Bank in town. They will cash it but it costs my $5.00 to cash a Work Comp check written from their bank! All because I do not have an account with them. I could go across the street and do It at the bank I do have an account, but they have to hold it for 5-7 days till it clears. Yeah I can really afford that.
Sure wish It could be direct Deposit. NO, that’s not an option for them!

I can’t drive so either I need Josh to hang out with me, just what a teenage kid wants to do. Spend the day running around his handicapped step mother. Sometimes I can’t even open the stupid car door!  Or let Clint drive, he has no license and with all the medication he’s on, at times seems to forget what he is doing WHILE DOING IT
I can ask the neighbor, but it will cost me… time is worth so much you know! More money I do not have

Had to get rid of my goats, I can’t brush them and Zeus is Angora he had to be brushed weekly, suppose I could have just let him look like he had dreads..NOT Feeding them was very hard. So many things are really a 2 handed project. Couldn’t do anything with the horse so he got a new home too. Everyone say just have Clint do it…. These are not his chores, they are mine, he’d help every now and then, but I know he was annoyed with always having to do this stuff for me.
I have gotten rid of most of the geese now too, Hoping all are gone before Winter is here.
My little Chickies can stay, I can carry a glass of water for them. The 2 of them could almost just be house pets in a bird cage. If the smell wouldn’t kill me! They are the size of a Cockatiel.

Back to making this list of positives… doc asked me what my hobbies were.
Stamping, Card Making, Family History, Scrap Booking, Playing with my critters, yard work, landscaping projects, volunteering at the senior center, helping elderly neighbors with things around the house. Humm many of those were a source of money every month! Now gone! Gee that just took the happy right out of me!
I no longer can help neighbor ($20-$50 a week GONE) I can no longer mow lawn for them either another $20 each  a week gone.
No more stamping/card making classes HOLY CRAP that’s $200 twice a month GONE!

Oh, and the Saturday check in the mail has become Monday, possibly Tuesday, or it could even be Wednesday. Oh wait I didn’t get one this week. Gee guess I won’t buy any groceries this week. When I call to ask “well it was mailed the normal day, if you don’t have  it in 2 weeks call me” WOW!

When you live check to check that really puts a damper on any Happy  I might have left!

Oh here’s another reason I’m so not happy. Got Work Comp, was on Minnesota Care (which I paid for so probably a good things this happened) Somehow all this lets rely on computers to make our world more efficient, it shows I have an alternative medical insurance. I sent MN Care the Work Comp information, that is only for medical coverage for injury related stuff. That was in February, then in March  they raised the amount I have to pay. I didn’t know it and paid the regular amount then found out I had to send more, had to borrow it and pay it online, oops too late, canceled, no grace period! Then they won’t give the money back? Many calls, but no resolution. Saw on the news that I wasn’t the only 1 having issues. Finally in May was told on the phone it was all straightened out… send the $80 payment in. Yet I can’t go to the clinic cuz I have no insurance... WOW No stress in my world!

June comes and I have to have surgery AGAIN mostly cuz the 1st doc didn’t do anything. Blood pressure is so high, but work comp says BP is not injury related. Really? You wouldn’t be having high blood pressure issues with all this shit?

Tried to discuss depression with doc, hum lets think about a 72 hour hold. WTF is that going to fixed? Seriously? I am still gonna be in pain, still not going to be  able to so any of the things I enjoy, still going to have to have found different homes for my critters. Okay so we do drug therapy…. Yeah mind drugs will help this pain. Well she gave me an anti inflammatory and anti depressant  combined. She thought maybe some real sleep would help. I had to try a Sleep aid for 2  weeks, no sleep change, no pain change, just felt like I’d been drinking the day before. Gee if I wanted to feel like that I’d just go back to drinking.

Hey there’s a thought become  a drunk! Oh wait I can’t afford booze! Besides I can’t lift my arm to eat or drink anyhow, try eating soup or cereal left handed! HUH!

So QRC thinks I should see a professional for the depression…. Work Comp didn’t think depression was injury related, but they will pay for 2 visits.

If prayers could be answered, and I could go back 1 year, I tell ya what….. I would have vacuumed and NOT taken out the trash!

So to those of you who think it’s all in my head  Kiss My Ass! For those who question my money issues PISS OFF!
And the next person that tells me many ppl learn to live with chronic pain I might punch them in the mouth… oh wait I can’t I am right handed!


  1. Okay, I know this is NOT funny in any form. But that last paragraph was soooo you and just cracked me up.

    You know I love you, sweetie and wish I could be there to lend a hand - but I'm not hugging Clint! LOL

  2. VikkiJo, so sorry for all the pain and suffering you are having to endure. I do wish I had words of encouragement and strength to offer you. I don't want to offer platitudes, but sincere thoughts and prayers for your peace of mind and comfort during this difficult time. I do pray that the doctors can figure out something that can be done to alleviate the pain and that you will be able to have use of your arm again.

  3. I came over to thank you for you sweet comments on a couple of my military cards on scs...and read your heart breaking post. I don't know what happened to cause your injury but I do understand what you are going through to some extent. I too suffer from chronic pain, I have a rare genetic connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It took a few years from onset of "chronic pain" to diagnose and after a two year misdiagnosis and medication for the misdiagnosis that left me with scars on my face due to a skin reaction/side effect...I finally found out that what I have is uncurable and there's not much they can do...and that my dream of doing a triathlon (I was in the middle of training for one when I became "ill") will never become true because my dr's orders are to never lift weights again, never run or jog again, never use the elliptical again, don't bike, and walk as needed...but not for sport. Really? On one hand I was so happy to know that what I was told a few years earlier was wrong (I had said all along I didn't agree) but on the other hand I was so sad that I'd never be able to fullfil my dream and would have to give up going to the gym. I've learned to deal with my pain in my own way, but one of the hardest things for me is to hear people tell me, "well...you don't look sick". I had a period of time where I would cry for no reason and wasn't sleeping and just cry and cry...I finally figured out that went hand in hand with my most painful moments. I've since named my "insomnia" my "pain cycles". Now instead of tossing and turning in bed crying and keeping my hubs up, I get up and embrace it, recognize it and do something. I realize from your post internet isn't exactly the cheap way for you to get your mind off your pain, and I admit that is mostly what I did during my pain cycle...but it helps me a ton. FB, emails, blogs, scs, I actually gave into pinterest, lol...I'd do stuff for my key spouse duties in my husbands squadron, then if I got bored online I'd read or create cards. I know for you it's more difficult and my heart breaks for what you are going through.
    I don't take pain medications but I do have a patch called Flector Patch. My pain moves around so I can place the patch (only 1) on the worst spot for 12 hours. I do take an anti inflammatory called mobic and that has helped a ton. When I went to PT, they gave me a TENS Unit and I use it for my worst days...after months in PT they told me, I hate to have to tell you and do this to you, but there's nothing more we can do for you. You're not progressing and we really can't help you, sorry. So I don't go to PT anymore either.
    I too know that it is hard to stay positive during all of this, I pulled away from friends, family, my crafting...everything during what I felt was the worst of what I was going through, no one understood what I was going through, how I felt, or what I was dealing with...because after all, "I didn't look sick" or "I was too young to have all of this wrong with me". I am thankful and so blessed to have a very supportive and understanding husband.
    Anyhow, sorry for the long winded comment. Just wanted you to know I understand and I'm sorry you have so much on your plate to deal with. Hang in there! (((GENTLE HUGS))) Tanya=)

  4. Dropping by to let you know that I gave you The Liebster Award!So sorry you are having a rough time! I know receiving the award is fun but also a lot of work. Enjoy receiving it and if you are not up for all it entails I understand my friend! Take care!


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